I am a perpetual solver. If there is a problem, heck if there’s any hint of uncertainty, I am always at the ready to try and find a solution, make a plan, clear the air. Anything to make that uncomfortable feeling of not knowing go away.
Which has become a real challenge for me as my kiddo gets older. No matter how hard I try I cannot seem to get a handle on the ever-changing situation of his growing up. I’m never fully in control (was I ever?). And this is inherently the paradox, because the more I try to create control- the more I try to force bedtime to follow the path I’m expecting (Oh the battles of brushing teeth!), the more struggle I seem to get, and the worse I feel about how I’m parenting.
In Buddhist traditions there is often talk about letting go, and leaning in, especially around creating control or as it’s often described placing “ground” underneath whatever our experience might be in the moment. The more we try to make things feel solid, the more we are rocked when we discover they’ve changed…
Recently I noticed that I was becoming more and more reactive anytime someone didn’t follow what I was asking them to do- be it my son, my family, or just the overall political climate right now. I would become more and more stressed and frustrated as all my brilliant attempts to make things happen the way I’d decided was ok were thwarted over and over again. It wasn’t until a session with my own therapist that I was reminded of the fundamental wisdom in letting go of being in control. “Sometimes you have to lean into the uncomfortable” She said.
What does this phrase actually mean? Well one way of looking at it could be simply allowing ourselves to feel the uncomfortable feeling, without trying to desperately make it go away, but also without spiraling into our own storyline that this will eventually lead to the end of all civilization. The other side is to get curious about the situation without taking it personally if it’s not going the way we thought. What does it feel like to have someone jumping around the bathroom when you’ve asked them to brush their teeth? What is going on with this person who isn’t following directions? What is the feeling in my own body/breath/mind that is arising? And if we’re feeling extremely brave- can I make friends with this feeling that I have so often tried to push away?
This isn’t a mental exercise. It’s almost always a body experience, and it’s not easy to break our habits of wanting to know things will turn out OK or that we’ll pass whatever “test” we in the middle of. This isn’t about “us”, not in the small me sense anyway. This is more about how we are a part of a larger situation, and our practice can simply be to pause, feel, and love all the parts of ourselves as they arise. The one that wants control, and the one who is scared it won’t come, and maybe even the person who is jumping around the bathroom (or working to be born?).
The more we practice just being with our feelings- good, bad, and neutral- the more of a chance we have to lean in even when things are uncomfortable, and ironically, sometimes that leaning in, makes the uncomfortable feel less scarey.
Here’s a quick home practice for moments of uncertainty.
Pause and feel where your body is touching the ground (feet, bum, legs etc)
See whatever your eyes are looking at- just as it is
Hear whatever sounds are coming into your ears
Feel the sensation of air coming in and our of your nostrils (no judgement- just feeling as it is)
Quietly say to yourself- It is safe to feel this, and I don’t have to solve it.
Then come back to whatever is going on. If you’re still trying to solve it, repeat the practice above again.
Keep breathing. Hang in there. And lean in. It is safe to feel this right now.
Nothing is under control- and that’s OK.